Just randomness

It's been so long since I've had the chance to write and I was a little homesick for this blog and my writing and expressing. I'm at Steve's right now and will be for a while longer. It is not quite what I expected. I'm kind of surprised about the relationship we have. I didn't expect such distance between us. It really shouldn't surprise me, I suppose because I've been so absent from his life the last 3 years. I feel like he is a little resentful of me to some extent. Like I ask him when he wants dinner and he seems perturbed with me. I don't know. Maybe I am just babying him and enabling him but it seems to me that he has a lot on his plate right now and so if I can help out and make all of the mundane stuff go away so he can concentrate on the big stuff, I should do that. Well, I think we will sit down and talk about that stuff soon. So I don't think he ever wants to talk to me which means I am alone a lot. My thoughts run through my head over and over and so far I am managing to keep Satan at arm's length, I think. I still have lots of negative thoughts running through my head but they don't stop and sit for too long or take detours and hang around. Pretty much they are in and out and that is a real blessing and accomplishment.
I have been reading "Return of the Prodigal Son." It is a great book although there is some false doctrine in it. It was written by a Catholic priest. Duh, false doctrine here and there but it has been thought provoking and part of the reason I am serving Steve so much is to help me develop that unconditional love that the father has. I really want to love and give with no thoughts of thanks or returns. I want to love as He loves and fill my heart with that love. It is so important to me. I want to love as the Savior loves. I have experienced that one time in my life and it was the most joyous and glorious feeling ever! I want it back.
So that is about it for now. My life seems so small and insignificant. I can't help but feel like I don't have much to offer the world. I just hope I have enough to offer my Father in heaven.

I did it!

A solid pat on the back goes to ME! I did it! After 23 months of trying so hard to get my relationship to the place it really should be, with a rather short and oh so cute gnome-like man, I...have...arrived! It only took me 23 months of traveling over mountains, through jungles, and crossing oceans and oceans of emotional sludge, that I can finally say...this relationship has found its final resting place. Ahhhhh, it feels so good. It is all out on the table, everyone knows what to do and is willing to live right now in this reality. We both get it and we have a friendship that will always be special. I can live with that. I want to live with that. No more drooling or daydreaming or fantasizing something other than it actually is. I'm ready to let go of all my hopes and dreams of him ever turning into an "us" and I'm ready to move on. This is so HUGE for me - so GYNORMOUS of an accomplishment that I can hardly believe it has really and truly happened. So thanks, Jim, for the memories I will always cherish. And thanks Jim, for being someone I could learn with and from, so much about myself through all the experiences we have had. Here's to no more blog posts about him. And here's to exploring the new world of Pam and never looking back.

A New Day

I was exhausted today after being up so much last night. I think I'll just go to bed. But before I do, I want to say how good it feels to have hope as a companion rather than despair. I have a lot to do still before I rest, but I have so much more hope about being able to do it.
Let's see how I'm doing.
I wanted to gain a testimony in my heart that God loves me. Done.
I wanted to learn how to love myself. Doing it.
I wanted to figure out my relationship with Jim and be able to let him go and move on. Real close.
I need to take care of my teeth. Not until I have to.
Take care of my debt. One down, two to go.
Figure out a way to keep my house, at least for now. Done.
Work on getting healthy and getting my weight down. Going to do that at Steve's.
Figure out what my strengths are and develop them. Working on it. Asking others for help.
Write/finish a book. Going to work hard at Steve's. But for now I'm writing a lot on this blog.
Open my heart to loving someone forever. I think I'm there. I'm ready.
Get rid of stuff, declutter with intensity and aggressively. I'm still a little baffled and overwhelmed at what to get rid of and what to keep. Meg's questions help a lot. I really want to do that!
Stop my compulsive behaviors, ie. spending money, eating. Trying to figure out how.
Developing an indestructible relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. In progress.
Recognizing when Satan is in control and keeping him out of my life. Working on it.
Okay, that is the list so far. I'm working on everything and thinking about it all...a lot!
I will never reach the status of perfect but I feel at least I'm sincerely getting my priorities straight. Ahhh, those new days are so fabulous!

Grammy's Write

I find myself lately wanting to write and write and write. Like I have something that just has to get out. I'm not so sure it is worth reading or sharing (glad no one has found this blog) but still I have a voice.
I feel such gratitude in my heart that the Lord loves me and that his son sacrificed so much on my behalf. I feel so blessed to have the family I do, my sisters and precious children (yes, I include my children's spouses when I say that because I feel like they ARE my children too, and my adorable grandchildren) How fortunate I am to be sealed to most of them for time and all eternity.
I feel badly that I have not endured my trials so well. I have been a real whiney-baby. No kidding, the real drama queen of all time. How embarrassing! I hope when future trials come, I can face them with some dignity and grace and full of faith always trusting in my Heavenly Father. I love Him so.
I am actually getting kind of excited about my future. I feel like great things are ahead of me. I feel like there might be hope for me. I haven't uttered words like that in such a long time. I felt doomed and maybe my life won't turn out the way I had hoped. But right now from where I sit, that's okay. I've got something right now that no one can take away from me - a chance at eternal life.
I sure hope I can hold onto all that.
So, when I go to Steve's house I plan on writing. No matter what, I want to write. I want to write a book about being single in the LDS church. I want to write my autobiography and I'd like to complete the Ralphie Alphie story. I also want to write a book about gimme-itis.
What do I want to say to the singles? Here is a list of possibilities:
That we are meant to be married, every one of us.
Don't panic when it happens, don't be a victim, think long term, what do you really want to do?
Never, ever be mean or stoop to unChrist like behaviors, you will come to regret it.
Don't let your being single define you.
Don't keep it all inside, talk about it.
Don't belittle or be negative about your ex, especially in front of your children, state the facts and let it go.
Take quality time for yourself.
Trust the Lord and do all you can to be the most spiritual you can be.
Don't go crazy.
Don't fall in love with the first person that comes along.
Get healthy - walk, eat healthy, and don't fall apart and let everything go.
Don't let guilt or fear rule your decision making.
Please God and you will find you are pleasing yourself after all.
Ask it bring me closer to Heavenly Father?
That's it for now, Oliver needs me...

So Many Thoughts

I can't sleep. And boy am I going to need some sleep to prepare myself for watching those 4 amazing grandchildren tomorrow (well later today), but I can't because these thoughts are going around and around in my mind. So maybe if I get them down here, I can put it all to rest.
Ever since Joel gave me that priesthood blessing a few weeks ago (Caity noted this tonight), I have had a flood of new revelations and breakthroughs about all this personal baggage. I have prayed so much to know things about myself and feelings I have and oh my goodness, the windows of heaven have opened and poured blessings down like a torrential rainstorm. I am so deeply grateful and happy to get this stuff figured out. And I haven't been able to do that without the help of some very dear people in my life. I have so many wonderful counselors. Cait and Megan have been quick to respond as well as Joel, Kaleb, Drew, Steve and Ben, Carrie and Suz and Sonny. What a blessing to have these dear children that are so wise and supportive and loving. I hope someday they know how much I love and appreciate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been pointed out to me that I stubbornly hang on to things. I do. I didn't realize that so much, but I see that really clearly now. I don't like to change. I don't like to give up my self loathing and negative viewpoints of myself. I don't want to give up my love for Jim. Yeah, there are lots of things I stubbornly cling to that are NOT in my best self interest.
So tonite I was talking to my "therapists" and one of them told me that Jim just isn't that into me. Yeah, I've heard that before. But then she went on to say that he "is not available." For some reason something just clicked inside. I really wanted to go to his house and see him for his birthday. I've been struggling with that idea for awhile. It would be so easy because I'm just going to be a few hours away from him. But my sensible side has been saying - "No, don't do it! Don't be an idiot. You'll come away feeling rejected and hurt. Don't do it!" But the other side has said that I love him and I really want to see him. I've talked to Heavenly Father a lot about it. I've eaten a lot about it. Ha! (not so Ha,wah, wah)
So back to this - I'm hoping it really is a breakthrough...for an instant, I saw things with a perfect clarity. I saw that he wasn't in to me. I saw that he wasn't available. The example I was given was this: What if a perfect man came to me while I was married to Ray. Would I leave Ray and go to him? No, of course not. I would never do that because I was unavailable. It would not enter my head to leave Ray. I was married. It is the same with Jim. He is simply not available. He likes his life and is happy or at least content with it and the way things are. His heart and mind is unavailable. He isn't there to fall in love. This is his time to live his life as he sees fit to live it and no one can penetrate those sacred walls he has built. I have known that but that brief instant of clarity tonight really helped me see things in a new light or maybe really see it. It was kind of like I could remove myself from the emotional side of it and look at it from a really objective viewpoint. And it isn't because I'm not enough, he just is not available. Meg said over and over that he isn't "the one." I have to face that. And instead of saying "oh I just love all these things about Jim. I love that he is so musical and that he loves nature and etc., etc." I need to start saying things like: "I love a man who loves music and I love a man that loves nature and I love a man that loves to read and is wise and kind and gentle. I love a man that can communicate well with me and that wants to meet my needs." (even though I know he can never really meet my needs. I love a man that wants to.) I need to look at all the good I have enjoyed in Jim and Ray and realize that those things are the things that I am looking for in the future Mr. Right.
And one more thing. I have been wondering why Heavenly Father brought Jim back into my life. And tonight I think I understood that, too. Jim was a safe person for me to understand and work through so many of these relationship hangups. I have learned so much with him for the past 2 years. It has been an amazing learning experience. He was always firm about being my friend and nothing more and so he was a perfect partner for me to go through all these things.
I have learned to never again make a man the entire reason for my existence.
To delight in a companion.
To hold back in the beginning and give my love carefully, to those who deserve it and can respond in the same way back.
That I CAN love and feel passionate for someone.
That to have a relationship is not too scary and it is something I do want.
To look for the important things I want in a man and not settle for less.
That I deserve the best, I deserve it all.
That I can be picky and not love anyone just because he may love me.
To never compromise my beliefs.
That I am good enough! Anyone would be oh so lucky to have me!
Trust the Lord, really trust Him and have more faith. Always more faith.
Don't put my energy into any relationships that are not going to get me to the place I really want to be - closer to Heavenly Father.
I can be friends with everyone and NOT fall in love with them. (:

I know there is more that I have learned, way more...
I feel kind of pathetic that so much of this blog has centered around Jim. But he has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. I have loved loving him and have wanted him to love me back so badly. I have suffered so much rejection and hurt and it has shaken me to my core. So to resolve this all has been kind of imperative to my moving on. If I can get over him or better yet, understand the relationship we have and let go of my untruths about it all. Then I CAN move on. I need to move on to make room for Mr. Right. Thanks Jim, for a truly amazing two years. I will never, ever forget you...ever! I think I really might be ready now. I can never thank my Heavenly Father enough for helping me through this. For working through all these dear people in my life. Using them to help me so much!!!!!!
Wow, how good does that feel? So good!

Here Comes the Sun

After days and days of rain (I know, we needed it) I woke up this morning to sunshine. How refreshing that is. It feels so good even through the windows. Sitting here, I see green grass and drops of water sparkling on each green blade of grass. The world outside looks fresh and clean and it looks like it is waiting for something or someone in great anticipation. Ahhhhh, I shall enjoy this day of little miracles.
My personal motto is do not concentrate on what you cannot do, but get busy on the things you can do. Always, always turn your thoughts to what is within your grasp to accomplish, do that, and it will lead you to things you didn't think you could do...eventually. Having said that, today is full of so many wonderful things. I get to go see my sister, Candy. I get to sew and hopefully finish Jim's curtains today. I get to spend time with my grandchildren and maybe I'll make room for a walk. I am so very blessed to have the gospel in my life and to have the family I have. To have this house and live in this beautiful place. To be alive!

Fullnes makes fatness???

Eating makes me miserable. I am going to try an experiment, starting today, Friday, April 29. I am going to eat only at the table. I am going to NOT eat after 8:00 pm and I AM going to stop eating as soon as my tummy says it is satisfied. I am going to STOP eating before I am full. I'm going to do it for two days. Just two days and see how I feel.

JIM

I know this is lame. To have another post about this man is so pathetic. I've been so busy lately but I have thought about him. I have been doing things and I have thought of him. It isn't that I'm desperate or just lonely and he is the only sort of possibility out there. I miss him. I ache. I liked being with him. He isn't perfect but there are so many things I dearly love about him. And when I was with him, I felt happy.
That was in the beginning.
Then I realized that it was mostly one sided or at least so badly unequal and the good times fell apart for me. Blessings seem to hint at someone else out there, no names, of course. Could be Jim, but deep down inside I know that the likelihood of that is so remote and impossible. Better to just let go, but there is a part of me that can't. Heaven help me, I've been praying that I could let go. A part of me won't let me.
I eat. It doesn't help. I think of him. That doesn't help. There is a part of me that knows there will never be anyone better made for me, than him. There is a part of me that knows there will never be anyone. But there is a glimmer of hope. I trust that the blessing is true. I wait. I wait. I wait and wait and wait, because I can't move or take one step toward anything. I can't. I just can't do it because although I am trying so hard to trust. I do not believe. I do not believe there is that one reality out there for me. It hurts.
I want Jim to love me and to want me and to do something other than sit there and do nothing about me. It will never happen. It is not meant to be. I'm almost 61 years old for heaven's sake and I'm such a child about all of this. Please, please, please Heavenly Father help me let go. I need to let go. Just let him goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

Relationship woes...

I'm feeling kind of weird. I think it is because I sense that maybe, just maybe this really will be the end of Jim and I. It makes me feel sad. I thought about him the whole time I walked today. I thought about all of it and it kind of made me mad. I realized from my one-sided viewpoint that we really don't have a relationship...really nothing...well, maybe a pen pal kind of thing going on. Now that it is pretty clear I won't be seeing him, he's going to disappear and there is a part of me that is oh so ready for that. I mean really what is the point? He clearly does not want to fight for me or in truth there is no evidence that he wants to do anything for or about me. He is not willing to put anything more than an occasional call or email into this relationship so what is the point? I really need to let go. It is hard for me because everything was there...except him. So what is the point of holding on even a little bit...none. I know that but it is still hard to let go. I have noticed that it is easier being busy. And when I go down to NM one of my hopes is - that I can let him go. I hope I can. I just don't want to because he is almost everything I want in a man. It is hard to believe that there is anyone else out there better suited for me. I get so discouraged just thinking about all of that. No one is going to pay any attention to me...again. I'm just not a head turner and I don't stand a chance in the single scene. Yikes! How am I going to face all that rejection, again? This is going to be hard, really hard. Oh well, concentrate on Steve and Kole and my writing. That's what I need to do. Maybe I can do some research on singles. Ahhhhh, maybe that can be my angle. That would be perfect! I can go in with the idea of doing research and getting their perspective on the single life in the church. Now that sounds like a plan I can actually live with. Ha! Thank you Heavenly Father, that sounds inspirational!!!!! I think I found a way to face the single scene. Hurray for me!

The End of the Challenge is a challenge

We have just completed a 12 week challenge, a wellness challenge. Immediately, when we began, I felt so much better about myself. I made a checklist and would gleefully check off each completed task, as though each little check made my life mean more and my self esteem get healthier. In that respect, the challenge was a huge success. I am a big fan of challenges. For some reason, I hate to lose them. Ha! And so they are a pretty good way to make me do things that really and truly, I don't want to do.
So now the real challenge is to keep doing these healthy things because I want to, not because there is a contest out there to win. In one day, I have already slacked off on each thing I was supposed to do. I don't think I ate a single vegetable or fruit yesterday. I didn't exercise or drink enough water and I ate candy after 8:00 pm, candy! So with my self esteem in the pits, I think it is time to make some good choices for the right reasons! Get your pens ready, checklist in hand - start scratching those little X's in all those little boxes. Ah, so glad I lived to see another day - starting over always is a little hopeful, don't you think?????

Today sappeth

I felt like life was sapped right out of me today. I stayed in bed waaaay too much and couldn't get any gumption to get going. I thought some more about the talk I have to give Easter Sunday and read some and slept. It was so hard to get going. I took a shower and that got me moving a little more and then I babysat for Cait and Joel. We made bird nests. They actually turned out pretty cute. Other than that, I watched TV and made dinner for everyone. The house is a disaster and the dishes are piled everywhere. I did loads of laundry but just let them accumulate on the chair. I hate it when the house is horrible and my room is horrible and there just isn't a peaceful place to go around here. Sometimes it feels like no one cares about my stuff and taking care of it (even though I know they really do, we just have different ways of handling the mess and a different time line-I'm a find one to talk, look at my room). The toys I have for the kids are strewn everywhere. I look around and just feel chaos but it is all overwhelming to me right now and I know that once I clean them up, it will all start all over again.
I'm depressed and discouraged and want to run away from home. Maybe that is why I overate today. And maybe that is why I slept so much. I don't want to open my eyes and see the mess, my life.
I don't think I can keep it up. There are too many other people in this house. I need to devote an entire day or two just to get it back together again and I have so many other things that I have to do. Yikes!
Yep, I'm depressed. Now how in the world am I going to overcome this??????

Changes cometh

Well, in a priesthood blessing not too long ago, the Lord told me to get my affairs in order. (The last time He told me to do that all heck broke loose. We moved to a different city and Ray left me.) I've been working on that some although it is terribly overwhelming. I began on my room in earnest and ended up sleeping a week now (and counting) in a bed half covered in hangers and clothes. Who would have ever thought that I could or would ever do that?
I decided to take a time out from Jim and then this morning when I woke up I was so sad. I missed him so much. He wrote me a brief email and my heart soared. I took a long walk in the woods and by the beach today and talked to God. I decided I was in a really good place with Jim. So now is the time to really let go. But then I got that simple sweet email and Steve called to tell me he filed for divorce today and so I called him. He was sweet on the phone but when I hung up I thought again, that I should just let go. I was very frank on the phone with him and I even got into our relationship some and he didn't respond at all. No - "oh please don't go." Nothing. There really is NOTHING really great about our relationship. Well, maybe that is a little too harsh. Yeah, I know...but I'm just writing all this down so I can try to figure it out...again! Such a struggle, one part of me wanting so desperately to hang on and the other side wanting to be rid of it all, once and for all. We email some and call some but that just isn't enough for me. But I can tell him anything and he listens well and gives such wise counsel. I know I love him. But he seems to be a barrier to my living the way I want to. I mean he is always on my mind and in my heart and what he does effects me. What he says to me and how he reacts all have influence over me so that can't be a good thing, right? What the heck am I doing? I prayed today to be able to let Jim go.
So is Steve's call for help my answer to prayer? I don't really know. I feel that I must go down there. I worry that I will lose myself in his life, just like I always do in everyone else's. And this is my time. I'm supposed to be figuring out the rest of my life. I'm supposed to be taking care of me. I guess time will tell. There is a part of me that is kind of excited about getting away, having a direction. I guess I'll take my inventory of what I like about me and skedaddle on down there and see what's next. One step at a time...I only have to take one step at a time.

Being with my sisters

Well, I just spent about 5 days with my three sisters and my cousin. We call ourselves the Rah, Rah Sisters (formerly the Blah, Blah Sisters). I have to say I dreaded this time with my sisters because #1, they all brought their husbands (except for Penny) and #2, I have never thought that they liked me much. Shari and I are both members of the LDS church and so we have tons in common and I was pretty sure she liked me okay. But I have always believed that Candy kind of hated me and that Judy loved me because that is just what sisters do. I tried to make the best of this whole situation and went down there with an agenda. I was going to try to get them to help me with my self image and see if I could learn something from them that would help me love myself - one of my goals. I asked a lot of questions. I prodded and probed into old family feelings and experiences. And something, the last night, happened, that was quite miraculous. I felt their love. And when I did, something kind of clicked inside. A part of me healed. A part of me felt like I belonged to something greater than myself. Something made me feel like I had ties and roots and a group of people that loved me in spite of all my mistakes and gross errors of a lifetime. I think... and I'm kind of early on in this way of thinking, but I think... I can trust that. I think I can believe in that. But even more importantly than all of that, because honestly to love yourself means that you don't need to listen to anyone else and you don't need to know you are lovable because others love you - you know it in your heart that you are lovable, okay, perfectly Pam okay and deserve love. You accept yourself even if the whole world doesn't love you. Even if Jim will never, ever love you - you love you. I think I might have those feelings for the first time, honestly.
I told Jim that I'm taking a time out with him. Every single time I talk to him I love him more. I'm going to have to deal with those feelings too, sometime down the road. I said I just need to have some me time and figure things out for myself. I am still bummed that he doesn't love me or miss me or that he isn't dying to see me. I want someone that feels that way about me but I also do NOT want a man to take up my whole life. I centered my whole life on my husband and that was a huge mistake. No, that is NOT what I want in a relationship. I don't know how I will ever get there. Whew! Now that will take a miracle. But hey, I didn't think I would get here this fast. Of course time will only tell if this is all real or not. I'm so excited!!!!!!!
So next goal is to live and feel these new feelings without anyone out there to give me support. It has to be me and Heavenly Father...working on this Pam lady who needs to learn how to really and truly love herself! So that means a real inventory of my strengths, independent of the world. What do I like about myself? Now that is going to be tough.
Hope is beginning to show a little light...

Hello Blogging World

I'm starting another blog. This one is just for me. No one needs to know it exists. And I'm going to keep my journal here. I'm going to write whatever I want to without worrying about what the world thinks. It is going to be a lot about being single, because that is one of the things that defines me and effects what I do. I'm not saying that is right, but for now, that is the way it is.
Someone told me that I worship "being married" but that isn't so true. I want love in my life. More than anything else, I want love - to love and be loved, that's what I want. Just once I want to not worry about being loved because of anything I do, but to have a secure knowledge that I am loved no matter and inspite of what I do. I know that has to start with knowing that Heavenly Father loves me (and my Savior, Jesus Christ, too). My mind tells me that is so, but does my heart really know? I'm going to work on that first. I'm going to figure out how to make that happen for me, because I truly know in my head that he does. I just don't allow myself access to feel it. And after that, I have to learn how in the heck to love myself. Now that will be a real challenge. Don't know how I will ever do that seeing as... HA!
I believe with all my heart that this will be a real battle. Satan has used these things against me for a very long time. I ready to beat the crap out of him and win this war, once and for all!