Changes cometh

Well, in a priesthood blessing not too long ago, the Lord told me to get my affairs in order. (The last time He told me to do that all heck broke loose. We moved to a different city and Ray left me.) I've been working on that some although it is terribly overwhelming. I began on my room in earnest and ended up sleeping a week now (and counting) in a bed half covered in hangers and clothes. Who would have ever thought that I could or would ever do that?
I decided to take a time out from Jim and then this morning when I woke up I was so sad. I missed him so much. He wrote me a brief email and my heart soared. I took a long walk in the woods and by the beach today and talked to God. I decided I was in a really good place with Jim. So now is the time to really let go. But then I got that simple sweet email and Steve called to tell me he filed for divorce today and so I called him. He was sweet on the phone but when I hung up I thought again, that I should just let go. I was very frank on the phone with him and I even got into our relationship some and he didn't respond at all. No - "oh please don't go." Nothing. There really is NOTHING really great about our relationship. Well, maybe that is a little too harsh. Yeah, I know...but I'm just writing all this down so I can try to figure it out...again! Such a struggle, one part of me wanting so desperately to hang on and the other side wanting to be rid of it all, once and for all. We email some and call some but that just isn't enough for me. But I can tell him anything and he listens well and gives such wise counsel. I know I love him. But he seems to be a barrier to my living the way I want to. I mean he is always on my mind and in my heart and what he does effects me. What he says to me and how he reacts all have influence over me so that can't be a good thing, right? What the heck am I doing? I prayed today to be able to let Jim go.
So is Steve's call for help my answer to prayer? I don't really know. I feel that I must go down there. I worry that I will lose myself in his life, just like I always do in everyone else's. And this is my time. I'm supposed to be figuring out the rest of my life. I'm supposed to be taking care of me. I guess time will tell. There is a part of me that is kind of excited about getting away, having a direction. I guess I'll take my inventory of what I like about me and skedaddle on down there and see what's next. One step at a time...I only have to take one step at a time.