Being with my sisters

Well, I just spent about 5 days with my three sisters and my cousin. We call ourselves the Rah, Rah Sisters (formerly the Blah, Blah Sisters). I have to say I dreaded this time with my sisters because #1, they all brought their husbands (except for Penny) and #2, I have never thought that they liked me much. Shari and I are both members of the LDS church and so we have tons in common and I was pretty sure she liked me okay. But I have always believed that Candy kind of hated me and that Judy loved me because that is just what sisters do. I tried to make the best of this whole situation and went down there with an agenda. I was going to try to get them to help me with my self image and see if I could learn something from them that would help me love myself - one of my goals. I asked a lot of questions. I prodded and probed into old family feelings and experiences. And something, the last night, happened, that was quite miraculous. I felt their love. And when I did, something kind of clicked inside. A part of me healed. A part of me felt like I belonged to something greater than myself. Something made me feel like I had ties and roots and a group of people that loved me in spite of all my mistakes and gross errors of a lifetime. I think... and I'm kind of early on in this way of thinking, but I think... I can trust that. I think I can believe in that. But even more importantly than all of that, because honestly to love yourself means that you don't need to listen to anyone else and you don't need to know you are lovable because others love you - you know it in your heart that you are lovable, okay, perfectly Pam okay and deserve love. You accept yourself even if the whole world doesn't love you. Even if Jim will never, ever love you - you love you. I think I might have those feelings for the first time, honestly.
I told Jim that I'm taking a time out with him. Every single time I talk to him I love him more. I'm going to have to deal with those feelings too, sometime down the road. I said I just need to have some me time and figure things out for myself. I am still bummed that he doesn't love me or miss me or that he isn't dying to see me. I want someone that feels that way about me but I also do NOT want a man to take up my whole life. I centered my whole life on my husband and that was a huge mistake. No, that is NOT what I want in a relationship. I don't know how I will ever get there. Whew! Now that will take a miracle. But hey, I didn't think I would get here this fast. Of course time will only tell if this is all real or not. I'm so excited!!!!!!!
So next goal is to live and feel these new feelings without anyone out there to give me support. It has to be me and Heavenly Father...working on this Pam lady who needs to learn how to really and truly love herself! So that means a real inventory of my strengths, independent of the world. What do I like about myself? Now that is going to be tough.
Hope is beginning to show a little light...