So Many Thoughts

I can't sleep. And boy am I going to need some sleep to prepare myself for watching those 4 amazing grandchildren tomorrow (well later today), but I can't because these thoughts are going around and around in my mind. So maybe if I get them down here, I can put it all to rest.
Ever since Joel gave me that priesthood blessing a few weeks ago (Caity noted this tonight), I have had a flood of new revelations and breakthroughs about all this personal baggage. I have prayed so much to know things about myself and feelings I have and oh my goodness, the windows of heaven have opened and poured blessings down like a torrential rainstorm. I am so deeply grateful and happy to get this stuff figured out. And I haven't been able to do that without the help of some very dear people in my life. I have so many wonderful counselors. Cait and Megan have been quick to respond as well as Joel, Kaleb, Drew, Steve and Ben, Carrie and Suz and Sonny. What a blessing to have these dear children that are so wise and supportive and loving. I hope someday they know how much I love and appreciate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been pointed out to me that I stubbornly hang on to things. I do. I didn't realize that so much, but I see that really clearly now. I don't like to change. I don't like to give up my self loathing and negative viewpoints of myself. I don't want to give up my love for Jim. Yeah, there are lots of things I stubbornly cling to that are NOT in my best self interest.
So tonite I was talking to my "therapists" and one of them told me that Jim just isn't that into me. Yeah, I've heard that before. But then she went on to say that he "is not available." For some reason something just clicked inside. I really wanted to go to his house and see him for his birthday. I've been struggling with that idea for awhile. It would be so easy because I'm just going to be a few hours away from him. But my sensible side has been saying - "No, don't do it! Don't be an idiot. You'll come away feeling rejected and hurt. Don't do it!" But the other side has said that I love him and I really want to see him. I've talked to Heavenly Father a lot about it. I've eaten a lot about it. Ha! (not so Ha,wah, wah)
So back to this - I'm hoping it really is a breakthrough...for an instant, I saw things with a perfect clarity. I saw that he wasn't in to me. I saw that he wasn't available. The example I was given was this: What if a perfect man came to me while I was married to Ray. Would I leave Ray and go to him? No, of course not. I would never do that because I was unavailable. It would not enter my head to leave Ray. I was married. It is the same with Jim. He is simply not available. He likes his life and is happy or at least content with it and the way things are. His heart and mind is unavailable. He isn't there to fall in love. This is his time to live his life as he sees fit to live it and no one can penetrate those sacred walls he has built. I have known that but that brief instant of clarity tonight really helped me see things in a new light or maybe really see it. It was kind of like I could remove myself from the emotional side of it and look at it from a really objective viewpoint. And it isn't because I'm not enough, he just is not available. Meg said over and over that he isn't "the one." I have to face that. And instead of saying "oh I just love all these things about Jim. I love that he is so musical and that he loves nature and etc., etc." I need to start saying things like: "I love a man who loves music and I love a man that loves nature and I love a man that loves to read and is wise and kind and gentle. I love a man that can communicate well with me and that wants to meet my needs." (even though I know he can never really meet my needs. I love a man that wants to.) I need to look at all the good I have enjoyed in Jim and Ray and realize that those things are the things that I am looking for in the future Mr. Right.
And one more thing. I have been wondering why Heavenly Father brought Jim back into my life. And tonight I think I understood that, too. Jim was a safe person for me to understand and work through so many of these relationship hangups. I have learned so much with him for the past 2 years. It has been an amazing learning experience. He was always firm about being my friend and nothing more and so he was a perfect partner for me to go through all these things.
I have learned to never again make a man the entire reason for my existence.
To delight in a companion.
To hold back in the beginning and give my love carefully, to those who deserve it and can respond in the same way back.
That I CAN love and feel passionate for someone.
That to have a relationship is not too scary and it is something I do want.
To look for the important things I want in a man and not settle for less.
That I deserve the best, I deserve it all.
That I can be picky and not love anyone just because he may love me.
To never compromise my beliefs.
That I am good enough! Anyone would be oh so lucky to have me!
Trust the Lord, really trust Him and have more faith. Always more faith.
Don't put my energy into any relationships that are not going to get me to the place I really want to be - closer to Heavenly Father.
I can be friends with everyone and NOT fall in love with them. (:

I know there is more that I have learned, way more...
I feel kind of pathetic that so much of this blog has centered around Jim. But he has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. I have loved loving him and have wanted him to love me back so badly. I have suffered so much rejection and hurt and it has shaken me to my core. So to resolve this all has been kind of imperative to my moving on. If I can get over him or better yet, understand the relationship we have and let go of my untruths about it all. Then I CAN move on. I need to move on to make room for Mr. Right. Thanks Jim, for a truly amazing two years. I will never, ever forget you...ever! I think I really might be ready now. I can never thank my Heavenly Father enough for helping me through this. For working through all these dear people in my life. Using them to help me so much!!!!!!
Wow, how good does that feel? So good!