I like to write here, more than with pen and paper. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but it just seems to be easier for me. So, with that in mind I need to document some important truths and lessons I have learned. I want the world to know that these miracles are because I have a Heavenly Father that loves me enough to teach me the things I need to know, patiently and lovingly teach, so that I can be the person He always intended me to be.
Okay, so some time ago I was talking to my visiting teachers and I asked them if they were happy. I wanted to tell them that they NEVER seem happy, I always see them frowning and grumpy, but instead I merely asked them if they were happy. Sometimes I look around and it seems as though no one around me is happy. Anyway, they assured me that they were and then turned it around on me. For some reason I chose this particular time to vent and disclose a lot of personal stuff about myself. Karen literally slapped me aside of my head and told me that Satan had come for me at an early age. Okay, instead of getting into a very long story here, let me just say...it all began with that conversation. I have been praying for a long time to be healed of my emotional baggage. At times, fervently and at other times always as one of my standard pleas. And sometimes I would feel healed and then it would all close back in on me, the clouds and darkness would come and I would be enveloped in a cold and lonely place. One day quite a while after this experience with my visiting teachers I told the Lord that I couldn't afford to get a therapist and I needed His help, please, pleased I begged Him, help me get over this garbage. It seemed like not long after that, the windows of heaven opened up and huge miracles of knowledge started pouring down on me. Caitlyn was a big part of answering some of these prayers along with my other children specifically Kaleb and Megan, Drew and Ben and Steve. They all have said just the right thing to help me and support me so many times. I testify that today, I am healed of much of the emotional baggage I have carried most of my life. So here is a list of the amazing things I have learned. Each one is a miracle of truth to me!
1) I am NOT a failure. I have succeeded in many areas of my life.
2) Ray was not worthy when I married him. All those red flags I felt were the spirit trying to tell me to get out of that relationship. Even though the Patriarch, in a blessing, told Ray that he had asked Heavenly Father to be with me in this life, I now realize that he was never worthy of the love I gave him.
* I found this as a draft that I never finished. I think it is worthy of publishing although I am sad that I do not remember the other things I intended to include on this list. And I do not know the original date of this writing.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Enough Said!
Several of my children have asked me to write about my life. I'm not so sure I have anything valuable to say or impart to my posterity, to be honest. But I have lived a good life and maybe that is worth sharing. I am entitling this work of writing, "Enough Said!" I think when all is done, that sums it up pretty well.
Onto my life...
So let's start at the beginning. Yeah, well, I don't know anything about that. Ha! My mother never told me any stories about my birth or babyhood. She did tell me that I was named after a bathtub toy duck. On the bottom it said it was made by Pam Co. and so my sister insisted that I be called Pam. Now I can see that that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. She was only three years old and so she couldn't have read that info on the duck and she says she doesn't know anything about that story. So maybe they called the duck Pam because of the info on it and then she decided my name should be Pam. I'll never know. I always thought it was kind of a cute story.
My parents built this lovely house on a river in Rochester, MI. It was a really lovely home. There was a large patio that ran along the backside of the house overlooking the river. It was not a large river but if my memory is correct it made lots of bubbly and gurgling sounds and ran rather quickly on its way. I had my birthday party on that patio and have some pictures of that. I remember that well. The house, I am guessing was my mother's dream house. She had a large kitchen and she had designed it to have a brick floor. There were several fireplaces, one in the kitchen and one in the living room, both were large. In the living/family room I remember huge picture windows going the length of the house so that you could look out on the patio below and river beyond. It was beautiful. I also remember sitting in the living room and watching a little black and white tv. We'd sit on the floor and watch "Howdy Doody." It was in that house that I burned my hand when I was three and fell out of my high chair and broke my collar bone all in the same year. I also have a picture of me with the mumps and all of my sisters and I in the bathtub with chicken pox. We all looked so miserable! So funny...
Oh, and one more thing my mother claimed I did in my babyhood. She said she came in to get me after a nap, from my crib. I had taken the poo out of my diaper and painted it all over the wall. Ha! I would never do that OR was that the first hint of my artistic talent???
You drove from the road down to the house and so there was a big hill in front of the house and mom had terraced it making a rock garden. One time when we were about to go somewhere, we found a tortoise on top of the hill. In my memory it was huge! Like I could have ridden it around, which was what I was imagining. We left and when we got home it was gone. I was so disappointed.
Candy hit me with a tin shovel in our sandbox, again, when I was about three. (Man, that was a tough year!) And at the end of the yard there was a sumac jungle. Those plants grew so tall that we loved to play in it. The tops of the sumac were a canopy over our heads. It was like our own wild jungle. We had paths throughout it and would play all kinds of things out there. I think Candy would have her friends over and try to lose me out there. So one day I was playing there and I came upon a blue racer snake. It terrified me. I ran for all might back to the house. I was sure it was called a blue racer because it could run faster than any human alive. I believed that that was his purpose to overrun me and overtake me and bite me. My mother asked me to take her to where the snake was and so I did. When we got there he was still coiled up in the exact same spot, dead.
There are so many things I wish I had asked my mother about. One of them was the story of burning my hand. Oh, I have pondered that experience so many times, desiring to know what really happened. Not so much the accident, but what happened afterward. Here is what happened to me from the viewpoint of a three old child.
Mom was in the laundry room, just off the kitchen. She was using her Mangle ironer to iron some clothes. The phone rang and she rose to go answer it. I asked her if I could iron some things and she said yes. She rushed out the door and I bent down to pick up a washcloth out of the clothes basket. I had watched her use this ironer many times, fascinated with the process. I put the washcloth into the machine and it began to take the washcloth down between the rollers. My left hand went down with it and got stuck in it. I don't remember how long I was there or what happened next. I don't remember any pain. I remember my mother taking my right hand and place it around the wrist of my injured hand and telling me to just hold it. (She was so smart!!!!!) Judy was a baby, maybe about one and she bundled us up and into the car. I can't remember if Candy was there or not. Mom had me sit in the front seat right next to her and I just sat there holding my hand and staring at it. The only other thing I remember about that was being cold and alone in the hospital. It was dark and I was very afraid and I cried, probably a lot. They wheeled me down to some room with tiles on the wall and scrubbed and scrubbed my hand. I remember that hurting and crying and being so scared. I don't remember any comfort or being held. I must have been, but I don't remember any caring nurses or anything like that. I don't know how much my parents were actually there. Dad had to work and mom had two young children at home. I wish I had asked my parents some of these questions.
The doctors had to do a skin grafting, because the burn was so severe. They took skin from my buttocks (always wanted to use that word), but my hand rejected it or something went wrong so they had to do it again. This time they took skin from my abdomen. It was successful. But then my fingers started growing together so they put my hand in a brace. Then I remember having to squeeze a ball and I began to do exercises at home. I think that the prognosis was not good that I would ever have use of my hand. Thankfully, it was my left hand and I was right handed. Eventually, my mother forced me to take piano lessons and that most probably saved my hand. Later when I was in my teens, I returned to those doctors to see if I needed to have surgery again. They were amazed and said that no further operation was necessary. That was a great day!!!!! I was so relieved and happy!
I think it was November of my first grade year in school that we moved from that house to a big old house on the main street of my father's home town of Hillsdale, MI. He had bought a Pontiac - Cadillac dealership and this small town became the bulk of my childhood memories.
Several of my children have asked me to write about my life. I'm not so sure I have anything valuable to say or impart to my posterity, to be honest. But I have lived a good life and maybe that is worth sharing. I am entitling this work of writing, "Enough Said!" I think when all is done, that sums it up pretty well.
Onto my life...
So let's start at the beginning. Yeah, well, I don't know anything about that. Ha! My mother never told me any stories about my birth or babyhood. She did tell me that I was named after a bathtub toy duck. On the bottom it said it was made by Pam Co. and so my sister insisted that I be called Pam. Now I can see that that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. She was only three years old and so she couldn't have read that info on the duck and she says she doesn't know anything about that story. So maybe they called the duck Pam because of the info on it and then she decided my name should be Pam. I'll never know. I always thought it was kind of a cute story.
My parents built this lovely house on a river in Rochester, MI. It was a really lovely home. There was a large patio that ran along the backside of the house overlooking the river. It was not a large river but if my memory is correct it made lots of bubbly and gurgling sounds and ran rather quickly on its way. I had my birthday party on that patio and have some pictures of that. I remember that well. The house, I am guessing was my mother's dream house. She had a large kitchen and she had designed it to have a brick floor. There were several fireplaces, one in the kitchen and one in the living room, both were large. In the living/family room I remember huge picture windows going the length of the house so that you could look out on the patio below and river beyond. It was beautiful. I also remember sitting in the living room and watching a little black and white tv. We'd sit on the floor and watch "Howdy Doody." It was in that house that I burned my hand when I was three and fell out of my high chair and broke my collar bone all in the same year. I also have a picture of me with the mumps and all of my sisters and I in the bathtub with chicken pox. We all looked so miserable! So funny...
Oh, and one more thing my mother claimed I did in my babyhood. She said she came in to get me after a nap, from my crib. I had taken the poo out of my diaper and painted it all over the wall. Ha! I would never do that OR was that the first hint of my artistic talent???
You drove from the road down to the house and so there was a big hill in front of the house and mom had terraced it making a rock garden. One time when we were about to go somewhere, we found a tortoise on top of the hill. In my memory it was huge! Like I could have ridden it around, which was what I was imagining. We left and when we got home it was gone. I was so disappointed.
Candy hit me with a tin shovel in our sandbox, again, when I was about three. (Man, that was a tough year!) And at the end of the yard there was a sumac jungle. Those plants grew so tall that we loved to play in it. The tops of the sumac were a canopy over our heads. It was like our own wild jungle. We had paths throughout it and would play all kinds of things out there. I think Candy would have her friends over and try to lose me out there. So one day I was playing there and I came upon a blue racer snake. It terrified me. I ran for all might back to the house. I was sure it was called a blue racer because it could run faster than any human alive. I believed that that was his purpose to overrun me and overtake me and bite me. My mother asked me to take her to where the snake was and so I did. When we got there he was still coiled up in the exact same spot, dead.
There are so many things I wish I had asked my mother about. One of them was the story of burning my hand. Oh, I have pondered that experience so many times, desiring to know what really happened. Not so much the accident, but what happened afterward. Here is what happened to me from the viewpoint of a three old child.
Mom was in the laundry room, just off the kitchen. She was using her Mangle ironer to iron some clothes. The phone rang and she rose to go answer it. I asked her if I could iron some things and she said yes. She rushed out the door and I bent down to pick up a washcloth out of the clothes basket. I had watched her use this ironer many times, fascinated with the process. I put the washcloth into the machine and it began to take the washcloth down between the rollers. My left hand went down with it and got stuck in it. I don't remember how long I was there or what happened next. I don't remember any pain. I remember my mother taking my right hand and place it around the wrist of my injured hand and telling me to just hold it. (She was so smart!!!!!) Judy was a baby, maybe about one and she bundled us up and into the car. I can't remember if Candy was there or not. Mom had me sit in the front seat right next to her and I just sat there holding my hand and staring at it. The only other thing I remember about that was being cold and alone in the hospital. It was dark and I was very afraid and I cried, probably a lot. They wheeled me down to some room with tiles on the wall and scrubbed and scrubbed my hand. I remember that hurting and crying and being so scared. I don't remember any comfort or being held. I must have been, but I don't remember any caring nurses or anything like that. I don't know how much my parents were actually there. Dad had to work and mom had two young children at home. I wish I had asked my parents some of these questions.
The doctors had to do a skin grafting, because the burn was so severe. They took skin from my buttocks (always wanted to use that word), but my hand rejected it or something went wrong so they had to do it again. This time they took skin from my abdomen. It was successful. But then my fingers started growing together so they put my hand in a brace. Then I remember having to squeeze a ball and I began to do exercises at home. I think that the prognosis was not good that I would ever have use of my hand. Thankfully, it was my left hand and I was right handed. Eventually, my mother forced me to take piano lessons and that most probably saved my hand. Later when I was in my teens, I returned to those doctors to see if I needed to have surgery again. They were amazed and said that no further operation was necessary. That was a great day!!!!! I was so relieved and happy!
I think it was November of my first grade year in school that we moved from that house to a big old house on the main street of my father's home town of Hillsdale, MI. He had bought a Pontiac - Cadillac dealership and this small town became the bulk of my childhood memories.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Just randomness
It's been so long since I've had the chance to write and I was a little homesick for this blog and my writing and expressing. I'm at Steve's right now and will be for a while longer. It is not quite what I expected. I'm kind of surprised about the relationship we have. I didn't expect such distance between us. It really shouldn't surprise me, I suppose because I've been so absent from his life the last 3 years. I feel like he is a little resentful of me to some extent. Like I ask him when he wants dinner and he seems perturbed with me. I don't know. Maybe I am just babying him and enabling him but it seems to me that he has a lot on his plate right now and so if I can help out and make all of the mundane stuff go away so he can concentrate on the big stuff, I should do that. Well, I think we will sit down and talk about that stuff soon. So I don't think he ever wants to talk to me which means I am alone a lot. My thoughts run through my head over and over and so far I am managing to keep Satan at arm's length, I think. I still have lots of negative thoughts running through my head but they don't stop and sit for too long or take detours and hang around. Pretty much they are in and out and that is a real blessing and accomplishment.
I have been reading "Return of the Prodigal Son." It is a great book although there is some false doctrine in it. It was written by a Catholic priest. Duh, false doctrine here and there but it has been thought provoking and part of the reason I am serving Steve so much is to help me develop that unconditional love that the father has. I really want to love and give with no thoughts of thanks or returns. I want to love as He loves and fill my heart with that love. It is so important to me. I want to love as the Savior loves. I have experienced that one time in my life and it was the most joyous and glorious feeling ever! I want it back.
So that is about it for now. My life seems so small and insignificant. I can't help but feel like I don't have much to offer the world. I just hope I have enough to offer my Father in heaven.
I have been reading "Return of the Prodigal Son." It is a great book although there is some false doctrine in it. It was written by a Catholic priest. Duh, false doctrine here and there but it has been thought provoking and part of the reason I am serving Steve so much is to help me develop that unconditional love that the father has. I really want to love and give with no thoughts of thanks or returns. I want to love as He loves and fill my heart with that love. It is so important to me. I want to love as the Savior loves. I have experienced that one time in my life and it was the most joyous and glorious feeling ever! I want it back.
So that is about it for now. My life seems so small and insignificant. I can't help but feel like I don't have much to offer the world. I just hope I have enough to offer my Father in heaven.
Monday, May 2, 2011
I did it!
A solid pat on the back goes to ME! I did it! After 23 months of trying so hard to get my relationship to the place it really should be, with a rather short and oh so cute gnome-like man, I...have...arrived! It only took me 23 months of traveling over mountains, through jungles, and crossing oceans and oceans of emotional sludge, that I can finally say...this relationship has found its final resting place. Ahhhhh, it feels so good. It is all out on the table, everyone knows what to do and is willing to live right now in this reality. We both get it and we have a friendship that will always be special. I can live with that. I want to live with that. No more drooling or daydreaming or fantasizing something other than it actually is. I'm ready to let go of all my hopes and dreams of him ever turning into an "us" and I'm ready to move on. This is so HUGE for me - so GYNORMOUS of an accomplishment that I can hardly believe it has really and truly happened. So thanks, Jim, for the memories I will always cherish. And thanks Jim, for being someone I could learn with and from, so much about myself through all the experiences we have had. Here's to no more blog posts about him. And here's to exploring the new world of Pam and never looking back.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
A New Day
I was exhausted today after being up so much last night. I think I'll just go to bed. But before I do, I want to say how good it feels to have hope as a companion rather than despair. I have a lot to do still before I rest, but I have so much more hope about being able to do it.
Let's see how I'm doing.
I wanted to gain a testimony in my heart that God loves me. Done.
I wanted to learn how to love myself. Doing it.
I wanted to figure out my relationship with Jim and be able to let him go and move on. Real close.
I need to take care of my teeth. Not until I have to.
Take care of my debt. One down, two to go.
Figure out a way to keep my house, at least for now. Done.
Work on getting healthy and getting my weight down. Going to do that at Steve's.
Figure out what my strengths are and develop them. Working on it. Asking others for help.
Write/finish a book. Going to work hard at Steve's. But for now I'm writing a lot on this blog.
Open my heart to loving someone forever. I think I'm there. I'm ready.
Get rid of stuff, declutter with intensity and aggressively. I'm still a little baffled and overwhelmed at what to get rid of and what to keep. Meg's questions help a lot. I really want to do that!
Stop my compulsive behaviors, ie. spending money, eating. Trying to figure out how.
Developing an indestructible relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. In progress.
Recognizing when Satan is in control and keeping him out of my life. Working on it.
Okay, that is the list so far. I'm working on everything and thinking about it all...a lot!
I will never reach the status of perfect but I feel at least I'm sincerely getting my priorities straight. Ahhh, those new days are so fabulous!
Let's see how I'm doing.
I wanted to gain a testimony in my heart that God loves me. Done.
I wanted to learn how to love myself. Doing it.
I wanted to figure out my relationship with Jim and be able to let him go and move on. Real close.
I need to take care of my teeth. Not until I have to.
Take care of my debt. One down, two to go.
Figure out a way to keep my house, at least for now. Done.
Work on getting healthy and getting my weight down. Going to do that at Steve's.
Figure out what my strengths are and develop them. Working on it. Asking others for help.
Write/finish a book. Going to work hard at Steve's. But for now I'm writing a lot on this blog.
Open my heart to loving someone forever. I think I'm there. I'm ready.
Get rid of stuff, declutter with intensity and aggressively. I'm still a little baffled and overwhelmed at what to get rid of and what to keep. Meg's questions help a lot. I really want to do that!
Stop my compulsive behaviors, ie. spending money, eating. Trying to figure out how.
Developing an indestructible relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. In progress.
Recognizing when Satan is in control and keeping him out of my life. Working on it.
Okay, that is the list so far. I'm working on everything and thinking about it all...a lot!
I will never reach the status of perfect but I feel at least I'm sincerely getting my priorities straight. Ahhh, those new days are so fabulous!
Grammy's Write
I find myself lately wanting to write and write and write. Like I have something that just has to get out. I'm not so sure it is worth reading or sharing (glad no one has found this blog) but still I have a voice.
I feel such gratitude in my heart that the Lord loves me and that his son sacrificed so much on my behalf. I feel so blessed to have the family I do, my sisters and precious children (yes, I include my children's spouses when I say that because I feel like they ARE my children too, and my adorable grandchildren) How fortunate I am to be sealed to most of them for time and all eternity.
I feel badly that I have not endured my trials so well. I have been a real whiney-baby. No kidding, the real drama queen of all time. How embarrassing! I hope when future trials come, I can face them with some dignity and grace and full of faith always trusting in my Heavenly Father. I love Him so.
I am actually getting kind of excited about my future. I feel like great things are ahead of me. I feel like there might be hope for me. I haven't uttered words like that in such a long time. I felt doomed and maybe my life won't turn out the way I had hoped. But right now from where I sit, that's okay. I've got something right now that no one can take away from me - a chance at eternal life.
I sure hope I can hold onto all that.
So, when I go to Steve's house I plan on writing. No matter what, I want to write. I want to write a book about being single in the LDS church. I want to write my autobiography and I'd like to complete the Ralphie Alphie story. I also want to write a book about gimme-itis.
What do I want to say to the singles? Here is a list of possibilities:
That we are meant to be married, every one of us.
Don't panic when it happens, don't be a victim, think long term, what do you really want to do?
Never, ever be mean or stoop to unChrist like behaviors, you will come to regret it.
Don't let your being single define you.
Don't keep it all inside, talk about it.
Don't belittle or be negative about your ex, especially in front of your children, state the facts and let it go.
Take quality time for yourself.
Trust the Lord and do all you can to be the most spiritual you can be.
Don't go crazy.
Don't fall in love with the first person that comes along.
Get healthy - walk, eat healthy, and don't fall apart and let everything go.
Don't let guilt or fear rule your decision making.
Please God and you will find you are pleasing yourself after all.
Ask it bring me closer to Heavenly Father?
That's it for now, Oliver needs me...
I feel such gratitude in my heart that the Lord loves me and that his son sacrificed so much on my behalf. I feel so blessed to have the family I do, my sisters and precious children (yes, I include my children's spouses when I say that because I feel like they ARE my children too, and my adorable grandchildren) How fortunate I am to be sealed to most of them for time and all eternity.
I feel badly that I have not endured my trials so well. I have been a real whiney-baby. No kidding, the real drama queen of all time. How embarrassing! I hope when future trials come, I can face them with some dignity and grace and full of faith always trusting in my Heavenly Father. I love Him so.
I am actually getting kind of excited about my future. I feel like great things are ahead of me. I feel like there might be hope for me. I haven't uttered words like that in such a long time. I felt doomed and maybe my life won't turn out the way I had hoped. But right now from where I sit, that's okay. I've got something right now that no one can take away from me - a chance at eternal life.
I sure hope I can hold onto all that.
So, when I go to Steve's house I plan on writing. No matter what, I want to write. I want to write a book about being single in the LDS church. I want to write my autobiography and I'd like to complete the Ralphie Alphie story. I also want to write a book about gimme-itis.
What do I want to say to the singles? Here is a list of possibilities:
That we are meant to be married, every one of us.
Don't panic when it happens, don't be a victim, think long term, what do you really want to do?
Never, ever be mean or stoop to unChrist like behaviors, you will come to regret it.
Don't let your being single define you.
Don't keep it all inside, talk about it.
Don't belittle or be negative about your ex, especially in front of your children, state the facts and let it go.
Take quality time for yourself.
Trust the Lord and do all you can to be the most spiritual you can be.
Don't go crazy.
Don't fall in love with the first person that comes along.
Get healthy - walk, eat healthy, and don't fall apart and let everything go.
Don't let guilt or fear rule your decision making.
Please God and you will find you are pleasing yourself after all.
Ask it bring me closer to Heavenly Father?
That's it for now, Oliver needs me...
So Many Thoughts
I can't sleep. And boy am I going to need some sleep to prepare myself for watching those 4 amazing grandchildren tomorrow (well later today), but I can't because these thoughts are going around and around in my mind. So maybe if I get them down here, I can put it all to rest.
Ever since Joel gave me that priesthood blessing a few weeks ago (Caity noted this tonight), I have had a flood of new revelations and breakthroughs about all this personal baggage. I have prayed so much to know things about myself and feelings I have and oh my goodness, the windows of heaven have opened and poured blessings down like a torrential rainstorm. I am so deeply grateful and happy to get this stuff figured out. And I haven't been able to do that without the help of some very dear people in my life. I have so many wonderful counselors. Cait and Megan have been quick to respond as well as Joel, Kaleb, Drew, Steve and Ben, Carrie and Suz and Sonny. What a blessing to have these dear children that are so wise and supportive and loving. I hope someday they know how much I love and appreciate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been pointed out to me that I stubbornly hang on to things. I do. I didn't realize that so much, but I see that really clearly now. I don't like to change. I don't like to give up my self loathing and negative viewpoints of myself. I don't want to give up my love for Jim. Yeah, there are lots of things I stubbornly cling to that are NOT in my best self interest.
So tonite I was talking to my "therapists" and one of them told me that Jim just isn't that into me. Yeah, I've heard that before. But then she went on to say that he "is not available." For some reason something just clicked inside. I really wanted to go to his house and see him for his birthday. I've been struggling with that idea for awhile. It would be so easy because I'm just going to be a few hours away from him. But my sensible side has been saying - "No, don't do it! Don't be an idiot. You'll come away feeling rejected and hurt. Don't do it!" But the other side has said that I love him and I really want to see him. I've talked to Heavenly Father a lot about it. I've eaten a lot about it. Ha! (not so Ha,wah, wah)
So back to this - I'm hoping it really is a breakthrough...for an instant, I saw things with a perfect clarity. I saw that he wasn't in to me. I saw that he wasn't available. The example I was given was this: What if a perfect man came to me while I was married to Ray. Would I leave Ray and go to him? No, of course not. I would never do that because I was unavailable. It would not enter my head to leave Ray. I was married. It is the same with Jim. He is simply not available. He likes his life and is happy or at least content with it and the way things are. His heart and mind is unavailable. He isn't there to fall in love. This is his time to live his life as he sees fit to live it and no one can penetrate those sacred walls he has built. I have known that but that brief instant of clarity tonight really helped me see things in a new light or maybe really see it. It was kind of like I could remove myself from the emotional side of it and look at it from a really objective viewpoint. And it isn't because I'm not enough, he just is not available. Meg said over and over that he isn't "the one." I have to face that. And instead of saying "oh I just love all these things about Jim. I love that he is so musical and that he loves nature and etc., etc." I need to start saying things like: "I love a man who loves music and I love a man that loves nature and I love a man that loves to read and is wise and kind and gentle. I love a man that can communicate well with me and that wants to meet my needs." (even though I know he can never really meet my needs. I love a man that wants to.) I need to look at all the good I have enjoyed in Jim and Ray and realize that those things are the things that I am looking for in the future Mr. Right.
And one more thing. I have been wondering why Heavenly Father brought Jim back into my life. And tonight I think I understood that, too. Jim was a safe person for me to understand and work through so many of these relationship hangups. I have learned so much with him for the past 2 years. It has been an amazing learning experience. He was always firm about being my friend and nothing more and so he was a perfect partner for me to go through all these things.
I have learned to never again make a man the entire reason for my existence.
To delight in a companion.
To hold back in the beginning and give my love carefully, to those who deserve it and can respond in the same way back.
That I CAN love and feel passionate for someone.
That to have a relationship is not too scary and it is something I do want.
To look for the important things I want in a man and not settle for less.
That I deserve the best, I deserve it all.
That I can be picky and not love anyone just because he may love me.
To never compromise my beliefs.
That I am good enough! Anyone would be oh so lucky to have me!
Trust the Lord, really trust Him and have more faith. Always more faith.
Don't put my energy into any relationships that are not going to get me to the place I really want to be - closer to Heavenly Father.
I can be friends with everyone and NOT fall in love with them. (:
I know there is more that I have learned, way more...
I feel kind of pathetic that so much of this blog has centered around Jim. But he has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. I have loved loving him and have wanted him to love me back so badly. I have suffered so much rejection and hurt and it has shaken me to my core. So to resolve this all has been kind of imperative to my moving on. If I can get over him or better yet, understand the relationship we have and let go of my untruths about it all. Then I CAN move on. I need to move on to make room for Mr. Right. Thanks Jim, for a truly amazing two years. I will never, ever forget you...ever! I think I really might be ready now. I can never thank my Heavenly Father enough for helping me through this. For working through all these dear people in my life. Using them to help me so much!!!!!!
Wow, how good does that feel? So good!
Ever since Joel gave me that priesthood blessing a few weeks ago (Caity noted this tonight), I have had a flood of new revelations and breakthroughs about all this personal baggage. I have prayed so much to know things about myself and feelings I have and oh my goodness, the windows of heaven have opened and poured blessings down like a torrential rainstorm. I am so deeply grateful and happy to get this stuff figured out. And I haven't been able to do that without the help of some very dear people in my life. I have so many wonderful counselors. Cait and Megan have been quick to respond as well as Joel, Kaleb, Drew, Steve and Ben, Carrie and Suz and Sonny. What a blessing to have these dear children that are so wise and supportive and loving. I hope someday they know how much I love and appreciate them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has been pointed out to me that I stubbornly hang on to things. I do. I didn't realize that so much, but I see that really clearly now. I don't like to change. I don't like to give up my self loathing and negative viewpoints of myself. I don't want to give up my love for Jim. Yeah, there are lots of things I stubbornly cling to that are NOT in my best self interest.
So tonite I was talking to my "therapists" and one of them told me that Jim just isn't that into me. Yeah, I've heard that before. But then she went on to say that he "is not available." For some reason something just clicked inside. I really wanted to go to his house and see him for his birthday. I've been struggling with that idea for awhile. It would be so easy because I'm just going to be a few hours away from him. But my sensible side has been saying - "No, don't do it! Don't be an idiot. You'll come away feeling rejected and hurt. Don't do it!" But the other side has said that I love him and I really want to see him. I've talked to Heavenly Father a lot about it. I've eaten a lot about it. Ha! (not so Ha,wah, wah)
So back to this - I'm hoping it really is a breakthrough...for an instant, I saw things with a perfect clarity. I saw that he wasn't in to me. I saw that he wasn't available. The example I was given was this: What if a perfect man came to me while I was married to Ray. Would I leave Ray and go to him? No, of course not. I would never do that because I was unavailable. It would not enter my head to leave Ray. I was married. It is the same with Jim. He is simply not available. He likes his life and is happy or at least content with it and the way things are. His heart and mind is unavailable. He isn't there to fall in love. This is his time to live his life as he sees fit to live it and no one can penetrate those sacred walls he has built. I have known that but that brief instant of clarity tonight really helped me see things in a new light or maybe really see it. It was kind of like I could remove myself from the emotional side of it and look at it from a really objective viewpoint. And it isn't because I'm not enough, he just is not available. Meg said over and over that he isn't "the one." I have to face that. And instead of saying "oh I just love all these things about Jim. I love that he is so musical and that he loves nature and etc., etc." I need to start saying things like: "I love a man who loves music and I love a man that loves nature and I love a man that loves to read and is wise and kind and gentle. I love a man that can communicate well with me and that wants to meet my needs." (even though I know he can never really meet my needs. I love a man that wants to.) I need to look at all the good I have enjoyed in Jim and Ray and realize that those things are the things that I am looking for in the future Mr. Right.
And one more thing. I have been wondering why Heavenly Father brought Jim back into my life. And tonight I think I understood that, too. Jim was a safe person for me to understand and work through so many of these relationship hangups. I have learned so much with him for the past 2 years. It has been an amazing learning experience. He was always firm about being my friend and nothing more and so he was a perfect partner for me to go through all these things.
I have learned to never again make a man the entire reason for my existence.
To delight in a companion.
To hold back in the beginning and give my love carefully, to those who deserve it and can respond in the same way back.
That I CAN love and feel passionate for someone.
That to have a relationship is not too scary and it is something I do want.
To look for the important things I want in a man and not settle for less.
That I deserve the best, I deserve it all.
That I can be picky and not love anyone just because he may love me.
To never compromise my beliefs.
That I am good enough! Anyone would be oh so lucky to have me!
Trust the Lord, really trust Him and have more faith. Always more faith.
Don't put my energy into any relationships that are not going to get me to the place I really want to be - closer to Heavenly Father.
I can be friends with everyone and NOT fall in love with them. (:
I know there is more that I have learned, way more...
I feel kind of pathetic that so much of this blog has centered around Jim. But he has been a huge part of my life for the past two years. I have loved loving him and have wanted him to love me back so badly. I have suffered so much rejection and hurt and it has shaken me to my core. So to resolve this all has been kind of imperative to my moving on. If I can get over him or better yet, understand the relationship we have and let go of my untruths about it all. Then I CAN move on. I need to move on to make room for Mr. Right. Thanks Jim, for a truly amazing two years. I will never, ever forget you...ever! I think I really might be ready now. I can never thank my Heavenly Father enough for helping me through this. For working through all these dear people in my life. Using them to help me so much!!!!!!
Wow, how good does that feel? So good!
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